It’s time we let go of a few illusions: Time is a measurable phenomena; one really can own something; there is a being of unimaginable power and Ineffable Will out there that wants to micromanage your behavior; and Marvel will find a suitable replacement for Allan Heinberg on Young Avengers in our lifetime.

What?!?!?! I hear you cry. Isn’t Allan Heinberg supposed to come back to YA “soon”?!?

Oh we all know the myth: YA will be back in Allan’s capable hands “soon”, presumably after the increasingly melodramatic and mewling “Grey’s Anatomy” finally drives off all but the frat boys who hope to see Katherine Heigel’s cleavage. In. Every. Episode. But I think a question we should be asking ourselves is “Do we want him back?” I’m firmly in the “Oh my goodness, no” camp.

I think at one time back when YA was first published Allan actually had something going for him, that elusive “It”. What he produced in those twelve original issues of YA was nothing short of me having a pillow fight with Neil Patrick Harris, Rick Schroeder and Hugh Laurie while Patrick Stewart narrated the event. Metaphorically speaking. But like “Beauty and the Beast”, “Gilmore Girls”, “TV 101″, “Freaks & Geeks” and “Firefly”, the “It” factor was derailed by a dark and unspeakable force in the universe. For the sake of argument, let’s call it “Heinberg’s career”. I dunno, but writing five episodes and co-executive producing (whatever that means!) 40 of “Grey’s Anatomy”, doesn’t seem so time-consuming that he couldn’t get a comic book out every month. Let’s put this into perspective: Alyssa Millano was able to produce 72 episodes of “Charmed” and be in a Blink 182 video AND do a voice over for “Dinotopia” during the exact same time period. Alyssa. Freakin’. Millano. If indeed the hustle and bustle of a Hollywood lifestyle has proven to be too much for Allan that he can’t crawl out from under a schedule that Phoebe Halliwell tears through over breakfast, I say let them keep him.

And let’s not even touch Heinberg’s (understandably) distressing and (thankfully) limited run on Wonder Woman. Icing on the proverbial cinnamon buns. Hollywood, he’s yours. Thanks for the memories.

So, having cleared the way for a new creative team, what has Marvel done to keep the Young Avengers in circulation, to keep the fanbase thriving?

Short answer: nothing good.

Long answer: oh, there has to be a long answer, doesn’t there?

First, there was the frustratingly protracted Secret Invasion: Runaways/Young Avengers three issue limited series in which nothing much happened. A soupçon of peril. Maybe. An eyedropper of intrigue. Perhaps. But certainly nothing Earth-shattering enough to merit its $2.99 cover price (that’s slightly over $9 (with tax) for the math-impaired out there, or to put it another way: enough to buy a killing blow of Angus Third Pounders from the McDonald’s Dollar Menu). And on a side note (perhaps a topic for a future article), what is it about Runaways that turns otherwise punctual writers into Kevin Smith?

Then there was Young Avengers Presents, which I rank up there with The Mutant Misadventures of Cloak & Dagger – complete wastes of great characters with unevolved stories and tawdry characterizations. And let me spoil a moment for you, Gentle Gay Reader: nowhere in these pages do Wiccan and Hulking make out. They don’t even get to hold hands. In fact they are kept apart the entire series. Jeez, Marvel, couldn’t someone have written a date issue for them?

Now, there is Dark Reign: Young Avengers. Oh my goodness, Marvel comics! Is there no depth you will not plumb to keep your properties alive? I know they’re supposed to be “dark” (it’s in the title, after all) but a character named “Melter” (don’t even get me started on that) melting an old lady (and what is the melting point of flesh and bone, anyway?), a lithping Enchantreth… excuse me, lisping Enchantress named Thylvie… Sylvie (yeah, it’s that annoying when professional comic writers do it too), a racist gearhead in a “relationship” with a rather dense android, and a sociopathic artist with a Norman Osborne fixation are the lures to draw readers back into the page fold? The appearance of the real Young Avengers on the last page notwithstanding, the follow-up contest to see which team is the “better” YA (as if we didn’t already know) makes me ask, “How could you, Marvel?”

In the end, I know I want to see the Young Avengers back in action, but do I want to see these Young Avengers stories? Oh my sweet smelly feet, no! I find it hard to believe with all the good work being done in comics these days – Geoff Johns’ Final Crisis: Revelation and Blackest Night series’, Gail Simone’s Wonder Woman, and (cautiously optimistic about) Morrison’s Batman and Robin – that Marvel can’t find the right team to usher in a time of brilliant storytelling for the Young Avengers.

Hmm?

Those are all DC books I mentioned?

Ah. Well. That explains it.